I have observed the hipster music scene for some time now, and I finally think I understand it. Here are the three questions I will be exploring in the following article: How do hipsters chose what music goes on their iPod? How do these bands pick their names, and what does it tell us about them? Why do they all have mustaches? And who dates hipsters?

Question #1: How do hipsters chose what music goes on their iPod?

I’ve tried to map out the hipster mind as best I can, and after much deliberation (such a hipster thing to say), I think these might be some of the factors that go into their music taste. Take a look at the questions below, and if the band your thinking of applies to three or more of the criteria, they could be the new favorite band of hipsters everywhere.

Are they signed to a label?

Do they seem like a band that could make it big in the future, so I can be a dick about how into them I was two years ago?

Do most of the band members have beards?

Are they from an obscure country I know almost nothing about?

Do they wear out of style clothes that are in style?

Question #2: How do these bands chose their names?

There are a few basic foundations when it comes to naming indie music bands:

The first, and most common, is the pairing of an adjective and a noun that have no earthly business together. It usually started as a quirky inside joke.

Examples: The Flaming Lips, The New Pornographers, The ladybug Transistor, ect.

The second type of band name is a phrase taken out of the context of a poem or book or something. Usually used to show the band is “seriously deep shit, man”.

Examples: British Sea Power, What Made Milwaukee, Sunny Day Real Estate, ect.

It can also just be the guys name. Usually reserved for singers with deep feelings, shattered souls.

Examples: Elliot Smith, Ben Kweller, ect.

Then there is the exotic, foreign name.

Examples: Bon Iver, Yo La Tengo, ect.

Oh, and the complete gibberish name, which usually belongs to bands who exploit the belief among people of low self-esteem that the more they don’t get it, the more profound it is.

Examples: Neutral Milk Hotel, Jimmy Eat World, Death Cab For Cutie, ect.

Question #3: Why do hipsters have mustaches?

To hide their coke habits.

Question #4: Who dates hispsters?

And the answer is: cute girls who are unbelievably out of thier league. I’m not trying to be mean, just look at this picture:

But the lesson guys everywhere need to take from this is: If you rank anywhere from ugly to average on the looks scale, grow a fucking beard, hit the thrift store, get some American Apparel glasses, find some bands to like (the examples above will do), and above all, say quirky things like: Hey, I watched Casablanca for the first time last night, and you know that scene when she hums a tune to him, and he says nice whistling, what is that about?

And that’s about all for now. Thanks for reading. Check out these songs, you hipster, you:

Turnaroundturnmeone - Sean Hayes

Wake Up - Arcade Fire

Looking For A Fox - Clarence Carter

What I’m Looking For (Michael Brauer Mix) - Brendan Benson